Complex PTSD Read online

  Testimonials about Pete Walker’s first book, The Tao of Fully Feeling, and his website: www.pete-walker.com

  I am writing from Survivors of Abuse Recovering (S.O.A.R.) Society, located in Canada. We would like to include “13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks” in our resource manual.

  I found myself. I found myself in your words. It’s as if you had unzipped me, stepped inside my traumatized inner self, meandered around a bit, come back outside, and wrote about what you discovered inside of me. For the first time in my life.......and I’m in my fifties now........I don’t feel defective......or crazy.......or “weird”.......or even unlovable. — D.M.

  I sat in the San Francisco Airport reading your book (in the washroom, shaking and weeping) to get the courage to go the next leg of the trip. It helped me so much just to know that you live in that area-strange when I haven’t even met you! Your website and book are invaluable to me. — A. R.

  I want to thank you so much for all the help you have given me (and all the people I’ve passed your website link onto since finding out about it). Your understanding of emotional flashbacks has made an enormous difference in my life. I’ve gone from being smashed about by huge waves to having a surfboard on which I can ride at least some of them, and even if I fall off into it, I know it won’t last forever. — J, New Zealand

  Thank you for all of your educational information with regards to PTSD and abandonment. I have finally found something that I have tried to explain to therapists for years. Every single piece of information is exactly what I experience from my PTSD and attachment depression. — A

  I thank you on a personal and professional level. Your articles on healing from CPTSD have excited me and validated me both. I will be a better therapist now, and heal further in my own life. — D

  Your article will be one of my regular handouts now to my clients. Needless to say I feel this information and the way you articulate it is a life saver! — L.P

  How impactful all you have written has been for me and how much healing I have found in the pages of your website. Like the authors you note in your article on bibliotherapy - I was convinced you would have empathy for me had I the occasion to meet you - and here, in this moment, that belief is powerfully actualized. — J.S.

  I have been labeled and diagnosed with everything from panic disorder to separation anxiety and attachment disorder, bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, etc. Then I found a therapist who said I had PTSD from long-term emotional abuse from my father and emotional neglect from my mother and that’s when things really started to click. I feel like everything I have been reading from this website is the final piece to the puzzle that I have been searching for in my journey. It is indeed very empowering and liberating. — A.M.

  I’m a long way into my own recovery process now and have recently reached a point of wanting to look back and celebrate how far I’ve come. Your words were just what I needed to see at this time. I feel really seen and understood and appreciated. What a gift. — P.

  After a degree in psychology, training in counseling and decades of therapy this is the first time I’ve read something that describes my internal state! — F.K.

  I’ve been working with your book for a few years, and for the first time in my life I’m able to be myself and feel a full range of feelings - and my kids are starting to flower due to this hard work. So thank you. — N.A.

  I wanted to extend my gratitude for all the information you have made available on complex PTSD. Clearly the best resource on the internet. — J.C.

  I found your online articles about 5 years ago, and have consistently come back to them as I work through Complex PTSD with a wonderful therapist. Your words are sturdy and compassionate and direct and I now find life worth living again. P.S. I keep a copy of 13 Steps/Flashback in my purse. — P.B.

  This is and will always be a historic day in my life; simply from stumbling onto your articles. Twelve years of huge wastes of treatment time suffering. You’ve nailed it. I’m talking van der Kolk could learn from you. I’ve always hated the psych chatter of how great it is to be able to put a name to this or that or blah, blah. But I stand converted. It is absolutely a miracle to know emotional flashbacks ‘fit’ the ‘thing’. — M.

  I’ve read your articles many many times. Particularly on abandonment depression, you have given me hope to refrain from committing suicide. Thank you so much for taking the time to write these exceptional articles on the internet. I cannot thank you enough. — T.M., N. Ireland

  I just finished your book. It is powerful and gentle. I am starting your book over now and am using a highlighter as I go through it again. You invite the reader into a warm therapeutic relationship as you write. A beautiful, beautiful book! Thank you — A. R.

  I wanted to thank you for sharing your work on your website. It was exactly what I needed to get an area of my life unstuck! Your work is insightful, your suggestions are doable, and most importantly they resulted in achieving the gentle shifts most needed to change my life. — L.K.

  Your articles have offered more insight and hope to me as a CPTSD sufferer, than any other, and I am grateful for this and would like to share this knowledge with others. Please could we have permission to publish your articles on www.ptsdforum.org .

  Reading your article was like the clouds clearing up and the sun coming out. I’m not crazy, I’m not stupid, I’m not broken forever. I just have emotional flashbacks and it’s not my fault. — M.L.

  I’ve never read something that helped me gain such personal insight and clarity to my own life experience. After years of working with coaches, healers, and therapists, I’ve never been able to ‘pinpoint’ what exactly was happening in my own internal processing. I never clearly fit in any ‘box’ or diagnosis... that is, until now. It is such a relief to read these articles and know that what I struggle with ‘makes sense’ based on my difficult life (and childhood) experiences. And it’s an even greater relief to recognize that there are ways to approach and manage this in a positive way. — R.T.

  I don’t think it would be an understatement to tell you that your work has possibly saved my life as well as my fiancé’s life. We both have complex PTSD and had both pretty much given up on life. Your material has allowed us to understand what is happening to us. It has really opened my eyes. — M. M.

  You are a gift to me and thousands of people who have suffered like me and who struggle to find their anger (it’s coming!), self-protection, self-sorrowing, growth. I am re-building, re-parenting myself. — L.K., U.K.

  I just re-read your book and underlined almost the whole thing. I have gotten so much from your web-site and now the book. Three years plus into therapy, I am amazed at how much I have changed. It blows my mind when I read the fawning stuff now, and realize that I don’t really do that anymore. — A.

  I have been to counseling, psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual help, you name it; I have tried it. I have many self-help books and online resources. They all give me some helpful information, but, your article gave me more than anything ever has. — J. T.

  I have been working in the field of counseling education for 12 years, and I can honestly say, I have never found information and theory such as this before. — C.M., Asst. Professor of Counseling Psychology

  I felt compelled to write and thank you for your article on complex PTSD. Reading it has for the first time allowed me to cry real tears from the depths of my body for the pain and loss I experienced on my life journey so far. — M.

  COMPLEX PTSD: FROM

  SURVIVING TO THRIVING

  Pete Walker

  COMPLEX PTSD: FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING

  AN AZURE COYOTE BOOK / 2013

  www.pete-walker.com

  First Edition

  Cover Art: P
ete Walker

  Copyright 2014 by Pete Walker

  ISBN: 1492871842

  ISBN 13: 9781492871842

  All Rights Reserved

  DEDICATION

  To my wife, Sara Weinberg. To my son, Jaden Michael Walker.

  You both show me on a daily basis that I have escaped my parents’ legacy of contempt, that I can nurture our family with love and kindness and that I am ongoingly healed by the love and kindness that you generously shower upon me.

  I also dedicate this book to those who on a regular basis were verbally and emotionally abused at the dinner table, and I pray that this book will help you heal any damage that was done to you and your relationship with food.

  And the day came

  When the risk to remain

  Closed tightly in a bud

  Became more painful

  Than the risk it took

  To Blossom

  — Anonymous

  When inward tenderness

  Finds the secret hurt,

  Pain itself will crack the rock

  And, Ah! Let the soul emerge.

  — Rumi

  We are all of us exceedingly complex creatures and do ourselves a service in regarding ourselves as complex. Otherwise, we live in a dream world of nonexistent, simplistic black-and-white notions which simply do not apply to life.

  — Theodore Rubin

  COMPLEX PTSD:

  FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  PART 1 — AN OVERVIEW OF RECOVERING

  Chapter 1 The Journey of Recovering From Cptsd

  Definition Of Complex PTSD

  An Example Of An Emotional Flashback

  Toxic Shame: The Veneer Of An Emotional Flashback

  List Of Common Cptsd Symptoms

  Suicidal Ideation

  What You May Have Been Misdiagnosed With

  Origins Of Cptsd

  More About Trauma

  The Four F’s: Fight, Flight, Freeze And Fawn

  The 4F’s In A Cptsd-Inducing Family

  Poor Parenting Creates Pathological Sibling Rivalry

  Chapter 2 Levels of Recovering

  Key Developmental Arrests In Cptsd

  Cognitive Healing

  Shrinking The Critic

  The Developmentally Arrested Healthy Ego

  Psychoeducation And Cognitive Healing

  Mindfulness

  Emotional Healing

  Recovering The Emotional Nature

  Emotional Intelligence

  Toxic Shame And Soul Murder

  Grieving As Emotional Intelligence

  Grieving And Verbal Ventilation

  Spiritual Healing

  Gratitude And Good Enough Parenting

  Somatic Healing

  Somatic Self-Help

  Cptsd And Somatic Therapy

  The Role Of Medication

  Self-Medication

  Working With Food Issues

  Chapter 3 Improving Relationships

  Forewarning:

  Cptsd As An Attachment Disorder

  The Origin Of Social Anxiety

  A Journey Of Relational Healing

  Healing The Shame That Binds Us In Loneliness

  Finding Good Enough Relational Help

  Parentdectomy And Relational Healing

  Learning To Handle Conflict In Relationship

  Reparenting

  Self-Mothering And Self-Fathering

  Self-Mothering Grows Self-Compassion

  The Limits Of Unconditional Love

  Inner Child Work

  Reparenting Affirmations

  Self-Fathering And Time Machine Rescue Operation

  Reparenting By Committee

  The Tao Of Self-Relating And Relating To Others

  Chapter 4 The Progression of Recovering

  Signs Of Recovering

  The Stages Of Recovering

  Cultivating Patience With The Gradual Progression Of Recovery

  Surviving Versus Thriving

  Difficulties In Identifying the Signs of Recovering

  Accepting Recovery As A Lifelong Process

  Therapeutic Flashbacks And Growing Pains

  Optimal Stress

  Silver Linings

  “The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living”

  The Emotional Imperialism Of “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”

  PART II — THE FINE POINTS OF RECOVERING

  Chapter 5 What if I Was Never Hit?

  Denial And Minimization

  Verbal And Emotional Abuse.

  Theoretical Neurobiology Of The Critic

  Emotional Neglect: The Core Wound In Complex PTSD

  The Failure To Thrive Syndrome

  Emotional Hunger And Addiction

  The Evolutionary Basis Of Attachment Needs

  Abandonment Stultifies Emotional And Relational Intelligence

  De-Minimizing Emotional Abandonment

  Practicing Vulnerability

  The Power of Narrative

  Chapter 6 What is My Trauma Type?

  Healthy Employment Of The 4 F’s

  Cptsd As An Attachment Disorder

  The Fight Type And The Narcissistic Defense

  The Charming Bully

  Other Types Of Narcissists

  Recovering From A Polarized Fight Response

  The Flight Type And The Obsessive-Compulsive Defense

  Left-Brain Dissociation

  Recovering From A Polarized Flight Response

  The Freeze Type And The Dissociative Defense

  Right-Brain Dissociation

  Recovering From A Polarized Freeze Response

  The Fawn Type And The Codependent Defense

  Recovering From A Polarized Fawn Response

  Trauma Hybrids

  The Fight-Fawn Hybrid

  The Flight-Freeze Hybrid

  The Fight-Freeze Hybrid

  Self-Assessment

  Continuums Of Positive And Negative 4F Responses

  Recovery & Self-Assessment

  The Fight Fawn Continuum Of Healthy Relating To Others

  The Flight Freeze Continuum Of Healthy Relating To Self

  Chapter 7 Recovering From Trauma-Based Codependency

  Comparing Fawn Origins With Fight, Flight And Freeze Origins

  A Definiton Of Trauma-Based Codependency

  Codependent Subtypes

  Fawn-Freeze: The Scapegoat

  Fawn-Flight: Super Nurse

  Fawn-Fight: Smother Mother

  More On Recovering From A Polarized Fawn Response

  Facing The Fear Of Self-Disclosure

  Grieving Through Codependence

  Later Stage Recovery

  “Disapproval Is Okay With Me”

  Chapter 8 Managing Emotional Flashbacks

  Triggers And Emotional Flashbacks

  The Look: A Common Trigger Of Emotional Flashbacks

  Internal vs. External Triggers

  Progressive Trigger-Recognition

  Signs Of Being In A Flashback

  More On Self-Medication

  Flashbacks In Therapy Sessions

  Grieving Resolves Flashback [Step # 9]

  Managing The Inner Critic [Step # 8]

  Advanced Flashback Management

  Flashbacks As The Inner Child’s Plea For Help

  Flexible Use Of The Flashback Management Steps

  Existential Triggers

  Later Stage Recovery

  Helping Kids Manage Emotional Flashbacks

  Chapter 9 Shrinking the Inner Critic

  Origin Of The Cptsd Critic

  14 Common Inner Critic Attacks

  Perfectionism Attacks

  Endangerment Attacks

  Critic-Initiated Flashbacks

  Thoughts As Triggers

  The Critic As The Shaming Internalized Parents

  Facing The Stubbornness Of The Critic

  Perfectionism And Emotional Neglect
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  More On Endangerment

  Using Anger To Thought-Stop The Critic

  Shame Is Blame Unfairly Turned Against The Self

  Embracing The Critic

  Thought-Substitution And Thought-Correction

  Perspective-Substitution & Correction

  Perspective-Substitution And Gratitude

  The Neuroplasticity Of The Brain

  Chapter 10 Shrinking the Outer Critic

  The Outer Critic: The Enemy Of Relationship

  4F Types And Outer Critic/Inner Critic Ratios

  Passsive-Aggressiveness And The Outer Critic

  Refusing To Give Voice To The Critic’s Point Of View

  Outer Critic-Dominated Flashbacks

  Outer Critic Modelling In The Media

  The Critic: Subliminal B-Grade Movie Producer

  Watching The News As A Trigger

  Intimacy And The Outer Critic

  The No-Win Situation

  Scaring Others Away

  Vacillating Between Outer And Inner Critic

  A Case Example Of The Vacillating Critic

  The Critic As Judge, Jury And Executioner

  Scapegoating

  Mindfulness And Shrinking The Outer Critic

  When Mindfulness Appears To Intensify The Critic

  Thought Substitution & Correction: Supplanting The Critic

  Grieving Shortcircuits The Outer Critic

  Defueling The Outer Critic Via Working The Transference

  Healthy Outer Critic Venting

  Road Rage, Transference And The Outer Critic

  Chapter 11 Grieving

  Grieving Expands Insight And Understanding

  Grieving The Absence Of Parental Care

  Grieving Ameliorates Flashbacks

  Inner Critic Hindrances To Grieving

  Defueling The Critic Through Grieving

  The Four Processes Of Grieving

  1. Angering: Diminishes Fear And Shame

  Angering Helps Deconstruct Repetition Compulsion

  2. Crying: The Penultimate Soothing

  Crying And Self-Compassion

  Crying And Angering In Concert

  3. Verbal Ventilation: The Golden Path To Intimacy

  Theoretical Neuroscience Of Verbal Ventilation

  Thinking And Feeling Simultaneously

  Verbally Ventilating Alone

  Dissociation Deadens Verbal Ventilation

  Left-Brain Dissociation

  Verbal Ventilation Heals Abandonment

  Verbal Ventilation And Intimacy